Tiny Table 3

It’s not bad. It’s really not a terrible movie. It looks really expensive. It could be worse but manages not to be. Still, Matt Shakman’s take on the frequently failed franchise turns out to be one big *shrug*.

For all its bluster, this latest take is mostly a bore. Earnest character portrayals by Pedro Pascal and Vanessa Kirby do little to prop up a script so flat it could be slipped through the sealed door of a Saturn capsule. Flat heroes, flat villains, lame motivations, hobbled plot movement, and some rock romance that starts and ends nowhere.

What’s the problem? The script. With no less than four credited writers (and certainly more), the story can’t manage a single interior struggle among Marvel’s first family. Characters are simply pushed around by external forces and reacting in shallow unbelievable ways. Even the central theme is critically flawed: the hero is not one willing to sacrifice a billion children to save their one–quite the opposite. That simple reversal would have created real risk, a conflict to challenge us. Nothing in F4: Fist Steps will challenge you. You’ll feel like there isn’t any real risk.

From this writer’s perspective, the most egregious violation is the film’s take on Galactus. The character, delivered with intelligent complexity and terrifying power in countless comic renditions, is reduced to monosyllabic kaiju who can’t see a trap when it’s literally painted bright blue on the ground. He’s not big enough. He’s not scary enough. And, like Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben, he offers nothing for us to care about.

Yes, it looks good. The Silver Surfer looks good. The sequence around the black hole looked beautiful. Incredibly, The Thing looks good…even if we don’t buy the amorous take with the school teacher (wtf?). Marvel movies have become like rolling the dice on Tinder or Hinge: the first moments look good until you start talking, trying to dig a little deeper. After a couple hours, it will be clear. First Step would never get a second date.

Verdict: 6.5