Tiny Table 3

MISSISSIPPI – Chad Johnson, former drum major at Stonewall Jackson High, has been rejected at multiple auditions in the greater Vicksburg area. The downcast twenty-something was candid when speaking with TT3. “Timing and rhythm weren’t really my thing,” he told reporters, “but I should get every gig, right?” Pointing a full sleeve of temporary tattoos, he continued, “I’m mean, look at me! I’ve done everything right!” He recently spent thousands on a custom shop mahagony kit. Is that tree endangered? We have no idea. But even after chopping down a rainforest for some “sick sounding beats,” Chad remains unemployed.

The pasty percussionist, despite his repeated trips to band camp, hasn’t had a single session job (except that once with Kanye’s hatecore band). “Black players, gay players, even women get work…I mean, what’s going on,” he said, tugging at his Morrissey trucker hat. A teary-eyed Johnson spoke of a time when wearing a Yes t-shirt and having a penis was enough. He went on to name a litany of grove-impaired bands – Spin Doctors, Phish, metal groups from 1981 to1991 – as evidence of his marginalized status.

At one point, Chad just kept shouting “Rush! Rush!” at no one in particular. “They’re the greatest, and they’re a bunch of white guys!” When asked to respond, Geddy Lee simply stated, “We’re Canadian.” Oh, yeah. Never mind. Forget we brought them into this.

Johnson remains unemployed as a musician, but he MCs karaoke night Monday through Wednesday at Patsy’s Bar & Grill on Halls Ferry Rd just behind the Chick-fil-A.