Uncle Owen: The Last Douchebag

We’re all familiar with the story of Luke Skywalker’s Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru: two humble, loving moisture farmers on the desert planet of Tatooine just trying to raise their nephew and make an honest living. But was that really the case? Sure, there’s Aunt Beru, always there to whip up some dinner and a tall glass of Bantha milk for her nephew, the son she never had…but then there’s Uncle Owen…always being a straight up dick. Now, you may be wondering to yourself, “How in the world does this guy think Uncle Owen is the bad guy?” And to that I say: allow me to inform you as to why Owen Lars is the biggest douche in the Star Wars Galaxy.

Let’s start off with an origin story, shall we? Owen Lars was a privileged, spoiled, rich boy, raised by Cliegg and Aika Lars on what was known as a “Core World”, or a planet which bordered the Deep Core of the galaxy and was home to some of the richest and wealthiest planets. Unfortunately, his mother Aika died at a young age and he was forced to move to his father’s home world of Tatooine. Here’s where the spoiled brat was put to work, his father relying on him to support their moisture farm, confined to a planet he had no interest living on. Some time later, Cliegg came upon a slave woman, Shmi Skywalker, fell in love, and bought her freedom from Watto. Owen was undoubtedly bitter and betrayed by his father and his attempt to replace Owen’s beloved mother. He was not particularly fond of Shmi and held some resentment toward her. Then, a few years later, Shmi was taken captive by Tusken Raiders and thought to be dead. Cliegg, along with several other farmers, went searching for her and unfortunately lost his leg in the process. But did Owen help? No…he didn’t. He probably celebrated. He allowed his father’s second chance at love to crumble and die in the hot Tatooine desert, and (indirectly) influenced the very lashing-out that caused Anakin Skywalker to begin his journey to the dark side. Yeah, I said it. Owen Lars is the reason Darth Vader exists. Boom…dick move number 1. You scumbag, Owen.

A few years later, Owen received a visit from Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker’s mentor and best friend, who informed Owen of Anakin’s fall from grace and also came bearing a gift…a small baby, Anakin’s son and Owen’s step-nephew: Luke. Owen and his new wife Beru, unable to have children of their own, graciously took Luke into their home, but selfishly declined any help from the very man who would turn out to be Luke’s greatest source of inspiration. At several points, Obi Wan offered to help assist in Luke’s fostering, and was angrily turned down by an aggressive Owen Lars in the process. This caused Obi Wan to distance himself from the boy for whom, if you think about it, he was more deservedly an Uncle figure, considering his closeness to Anakin and Padme. Instead, Owen chose to raise Luke without any knowledge of Obi Wan’s past or fondness for his father, and without any knowledge of how to raise a “force-sensitive” child on his own. Oh and let’s not forget how he forced Luke to stay and work on the moisture farm, just like his own father begrudgingly forced him, and didn’t let Luke hang out with his friends or pursue any extracurricular activities outside of the farm. Dick move number 2. Wow, Owen…real classy.

And then we come to the final days of Owen Lars…or as I like to think of them, the moment the galaxy’s biggest douche got what he deserved. When Owen Lars takes Luke to pick up some new droids, he pulls the biggest douchebag move in the history of Star Wars. He speaks directly to the two droids who belonged to his step-brother Anakin, and he obliviously buys and disregards their importance to Luke’s father’s past! I understand that C-3PO had his memory wiped, AND will give you the benefit of the doubt in the fact that C-3PO never uses his own name…HOWEVER, given Owen’s history of “scumbagginess”…I beg to argue that this is Uncle Owen’s final dick move and moment of pure idiocy. First of all, he denies Luke one interesting tidbit of information: the fact that Luke’s dad built C-3PO with his bare hands! To this day, I still don’t think Luke even knows this fact. AND…he doesn’t tell Luke that R2-D2 was his father’s personal astro droid for nearly his entire life (minus 9 years). Two of his fathers most influential droids sitting right before him, and Owen chooses to neglect telling Luke. This is a mistake that will ultimately be the death of Uncle Owen and his innocent wife Beru, who actually seems to have a pretty open mind when it comes to telling Luke about his father. Sure, one could argue that Owen and Anakin never spent THAT much time together in the grand scheme of things…but that only further proves my point that Owen was unfit to raise Luke. If Uncle Owen had thought a little harder about the fact that Darth Vader’s childhood droids were sitting in his garage, maybe he would have have had the smarts to….oh I don’t know…get rid of them before the Empire found out!? Stupid move, and dick move number three, Owen. You know what they say…three strikes, and you’re out.

So there you have it, folks. The very pathetic story of Owen Lars and his douchery. His own childhood angst, jealousy, and pride were his downfall, and he neglected to provide the Rebellion’s greatest hero with any helpful knowledge of his father or his father’s friends.

Douche.

You’re welcome internet.